Whelp, it’s me, Jeffrey Wheatman again and we have gotten to the end of the year. Know what that means? Every thought leader out there is putting out reports, blogs, and videos talking about what is definitely going to happen next year in cybersecurity. Here are my predictions. I am almost 100% sure that none of these will come remotely true.

Of course, I have been known to be wrong and I hereby say that if any of these do happen … well you heard it here first.

Prediction #1 – Governments across the world will agree on one standard for cybersecurity.

Last I checked, there are somewhere between 17,350,109 and one billion frameworks, standards, guidelines, all of which basically say ‘do all these things and you can retire to run an alpaca farm.’ Everyone is tired of this.

By February 30th, leaders from every nation in the world, except for Nauru, Kiribati, and Nevis (Saint Kitts will be there) will send their best and brightest security experts and most senior political leaders to break bread and come up with a simple, easy-to-follow global framework for cybersecurity.

I’m not saying it’s going to be easy – it may take a whole weekend, but I am almost, kind of sure this will happen. And it will be glorious. This means that all compliance professionals and auditors will be looking for work, or training classes in late 2023 (not worthy of its own prediction).

Prediction #2 – 2023 is most definitely the year of PKI

Yeah, yeah, yeah – we have heard this before. But I am telling you, 2023 is the year. I will stake your reputation on it (what, do you think I’m crazy?). I am not sure what this actually means. But everyone has been talking about it for a long time as something that is really important.

Prediction #3 – Quantum encryption will become a reality.

Prediction #4 – Quantum computing will make quantum encryption all but useless.

I am not sure what a Q-bit is, but I am pretty sure these machines will have a lot of them.

Prediction #5 – Google, Microsoft, Meta, Twitter, and Amazon will field armies of AI enabled robots, drones, soldiers, tanks and software – these big guys are … going … to … war!

The winner will pick up all the pieces and establish a benevolent anarcho-syndicalist commune, where members take turns acting as a sort of executive-officer-for-the-week.

All decisions of that officer will be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting by a simple majority, in the case of purely internal affairs, but by a two-thirds majority, in the case of Intergalactic affairs. This brings me to my last, best, and most absurd prediction of all.

Prediction #6 – We will be visited by aliens.

At approximately 3:17:09.173928173 PM GMT on May 11th, a spaceship the size of Buckingham Palace will land in the middle of the Gobi desert. The ship will be filled with leaders from every one of the 46,098 civilized worlds across our galaxy. The ship will gently settle down. It will sit silently for several hours, while the world waits with bated breath.

The hatch will slowly open, and out will come a procession of beings of all possible configurations, size, and colors. The being that seems to be the leader will open his mouth, pause, and say it’s 42.00000001, you dolts.

They will all get back on the ship, fly off and on their way out of the Solar system. They will open a portal to the center of the galaxy and poof, they will disappear, never to be seen again.

Stay safe, stay healthy, stay secure.

Wheatman, Out!